It’s nearly 1am. Ryan and Carter have been in bed almost 5 hours, and yet here I am wide awake. I’ve just finished pumping for approximately the 400th time. The house is quiet, and yet my mind is busy. I’ve unloaded the dishwasher, slowly and carefully so the dishes didn’t wake anyone up. I’ve picked up toys, play gyms, and bouncers. I’ve washed and folded laundry, answered emails, and chatted with friends who are blissfully still awake at a reasonable hour on the West Coast.
I know I should be in bed, catching some precious sleep before my husband gets up for work in three hours and I’m once again on Carter Watch. But sometimes it’s just nice to have a small part of my “old” life back, the ones where I often stayed up until 3 or 4am and slept until noon to make up for it. I’ve always been my most creative at night… like my mind finally gets going when everyone else is winding down. The schedule is just one thing Carter has changed since he’s been here.
But as much as he’s changed my life, it also feels like he’s been here all along. I’m afraid I’ll blink and he’ll be grown so I try to soak up every minute, even the ones where I’m wishing desperately that he would just take a nap so I can get stuff accomplished. It’s hard to believe he is 100 days old today.
So for my sweet boy, in celebration of your 100th day, here are a few things I’ve learned by being your mommy:
It really is possible for your heart to live outside of your body. You carry my heart around with you and I will never be the same because of it. Daddy is pretty fond of you too. You wrapped your arms around his neck for the first time tonight and he cried because it was so sweet. Don’t tell his friends. We’ll let him keep pretending he’s a Tough Guy.
I will never sleep soundly again. Even when you snooze peacefully right on through the night, my mom ears are listening. Every sigh. Every hiccup. Someday I’m sure I’ll be listening for your car to pull into the garage and your key to turn in the lock.
Everything looks different from your perspective. I’ve learned to watch light bounce off the walls in the early morning, stare up at my tiny dogs in wonder, and discover the simple joy of new toys.
Funny noises can cure almost anything that ails you. When you’re crying for no reason, blow raspberries. They make everything better. It’s impossible to be grumpy while doing it. Try it.
Bedtime stories are not bedtime stories without full character voices and animation. You can tell when Daddy is phoning it in and demand that he starts over.
Tummy time was created by the devil. If it’s up to you, I’m pretty sure we’ll be carrying you around forever. That should be fun when you start dating. I do hope your hair grows back eventually after all the time you prefer to spend on your back.
The days are definitely long, but the weeks and months are so short. We start slow around here now, cuddling and snuggling every morning. The world can wait. Someday you’ll be off and running, but right now your sleepy moments are all mine.
I pray that you grow up to be smart and kind, that you have a strong character, and that you will follow a path that leads you to helping others. I know that someday I’ll have to let you go. But just like our favorite story, wherever you go my love will find you.
